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The Best Things in Life Aren’t Things
Giving Your Kids What They Really Want for the Holiday
By Heidi Smith Luedtke
In the hustle and bustle of holiday shopping, it’s easy to feel pressured by your kids’ latest material wants. Store displays and commercials have even the youngest kids clambering for bright and shiny new toys. If your child’s wish list adds up to more than you can afford and you’re tempted to spend money you don’t have, give yourself a time out.
“Our kids do want more than material things,” says Betsy Taylor, founder and president of the Center for a New American Dream in her book What Kids Really Want That Money Can’t Buy (Grand Central Publishing, 2004). Taylor encourages parents to focus on meeting kids’ deeper wants and needs, instead of getting caught up in the “more is more” consumer culture. Give your kids these gifts money can’t buy – recommended by Taylor – and they’ll grow with your kids for a lifetime.
Listening. Kids have a lot to share with the world, but our busy work-school routines make meaningful conversations difficult. Talk with your kids about their lives (school, friends, interests, dreams). Invite kids to share their ideas by asking good questions. “What do you think we should do about…?” or “f you could change one thing…?” are helpful conversation starters. Then, listen deeply. Make eye contact with your child. Take it all in without interrupting. Ask follow up questions and share your ideas, too. Kids love to feel important and respected in conversation.
Friendship. Kids want friends and have a deep need for acceptance. Help your child make new friends or strengthen existing friendships. Welcome your child’s friends into your home by hosting informal play dates or sleepovers. Kids build relationships by sharing experiences, so include kids’ friends in fun family activities, like baking cookies, playing games or staging a talent show. There’s no need to entertain your kids and their friends every minute, they’ll treasure time to themselves and appreciate your respect for their privacy.
Family Connections. Kids need to feel a part of an extended family network. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and siblings are important figures in kids’ lives. Help your kids connect with far-away family members through phone calls or e-mail. Allow kids to make cards or gifts for special relatives. Encourage grandparents, aunts and uncles to spend time with your kids (and without you). Kids’ confidence and self-esteem grow in proportion to the number of caring adults in their lives. Arrange activities to share with cousins and siblings. Family members are friends, too.
Kid Time. Kids want free time not cluttered by school, homework, have-to-do activities and programs. Help your children unwind, learn and grow by protecting precious down time. If their schedules are crowded by extracurricular activities, consider cutting back. Review the amount of homework expected of your child, and be his advocate if necessary. Too much work makes kids tired, cranky and unmotivated. Give them ample time to play or putter without specific tasks to accomplish.
Nature. Children love the natural world and connect deeply with fields, forests and animals. As we spend more and more time indoors at school, daycare and home, kids lose touch with the special magic of the earth. Help your children reconnect through outdoor play. Visit wild places close to home – lakes and streams, parks and meadows. Build snow forts or collect pine cones together. Watch squirrels scamper. The gift of nature isn’t fancy or expensive, but your children will treasure it just the same.
Spirituality. Like adults, kids want inner peace. They long to understand why things happen and to feel a sense of purpose. Whether or not you belong to a formal religious community, you’ve likely sought calm and connection somehow, sometime. Respect children’s inner lives and help them think through moral issues. Show gratitude when they do good things and encourage them to thank others. Create traditions and hold special celebrations to help children internalize spiritual values. Ritual keeps kids centered.
Opportunities to Change the World. Kids dream of a world where people get along in harmony, everyone has enough to eat, and each unique individual is valued. Help your children practice service and compassion. Work together to sort used toys or clothing and donate them to charity. Collect canned goods in your neighborhood and deliver them to a food bank. Rake leaves or mow lawns for elderly neighbors and give the proceeds to a local environmental conservancy. Keep track of kids’ contributions so they see the big impact they have on others’ lives.
Love and Affection. More than anything else, children want to feel loved. They thrive on parents’ undivided attention. Hugs and kisses, tickles and tousles, and pats on the back are especially valued. Don’t wait for a special occasion to show your child how much she’s loved and how proud you are. Slip a special note in your child’s lunchbox or backpack. Ask for one of his very special hugs when you are feeling down. Small and big kids alike want to see and feel love in tangible ways.
As you take time to meet kids’ psychological needs, you’ll build stronger, more resilient family relationships. But their material wants won’t disappear over night. Letters to Santa and other gift-giving traditions focus their attention on material things.
“In the end, we need to help our kids regularly consider if they really want or need any given item – and why,” Taylor concludes. “Perhaps the most fundamental question to instill in your kids is this one: How much is enough?” Be a good role model – don’t buy what you don’t need. Slow down and rediscover life’s simple pleasures with your kids. After all, in the ways that matter, you’re already wealthy beyond measure.
Heidi Smith Luedtke is a psychologist and freelance writer. Her blog about parenting as leadership can be found at www.leadingmama.com
