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Simplifying the Holidays

From “Crassmess” to Christmas
Four Steps to a More Meaningful, Less Commercialized Holiday

By Marie Sherlock, Metro Parent Editor and author of Living Simply with Children (Three Rivers Press, 2003)

December – the “holiday” month – is a great paradox for most Americans. It’s a time of excess – think food, drink, gifts, activities – but it’s also a time of scarcity. For many Americans, we are never more saturated and less satisfied, more full yet more empty, than during December when our society stages its ultimate display of materialism. And primarily to observe the simple birth of a child in an animal’s manger…

Kate Rhoad’s family celebration used to reflect this paradox. A few years back the Rhoad family had a mainstream American holiday, overdoing everything. They spent as much as $1,000 just on gifts, even when they had only one child to buy for. (They now have three.) “There were huge amounts of presents under the tree, stuff the kids didn’t need and couldn’t appreciate,” Rhoad says. Along with all of the gift giving were numerous other seasonal “obligations.” Family members found themselves buying too much, doing too much – and not enjoying the result.

“It was hectic, we were too busy. The kids felt it too. We just didn’t have fun at Christmas,” recalls Rhoad.

Then the Rhoad family decided to scale down both the overdoing and the overbuying aspects of the season. They sat down at the end of November with the December calendar. “We made a list of things we really wanted to do over Christmas and put them on the calendar,” explains Rhoad. They chose low-key, family-friendly activities like reading Christmas stories while drinking cocoa and going caroling with friends.

The Rhoads now exchange simple, often home-made gifts. For example, the entire family cooks up a batch of barbecue sauce and delivers it to neighbors. They make home-made picture frames for in-laws with photos of the kids in them. The family’s annual holiday price tag now reaches about $200 for everything – from gifts to decor.

“Our intention is renewal and all that buying has nothing to do with renewal,” explains Rhoad. “I love the fact that we’ve made these changes.”

A Formula for Simplifying Christmas (and Other Holidays)

The Rhoad family’s holiday transformation – from meaningless excess to profound simplicity – mirrors the promise that simple living offers year-round. By doing away with distractions and focusing on those elements of life that are of value to us, we find our lives filled with meaning, purpose and happiness. Here are four steps to get you started on your quest for a “more fun, less stuff” holiday:

(Note: The principles outlined here apply not only to Christmas but to other December holidays that you may celebrate. De-emphasizing the gift-giving and focusing on the non-material aspects of the season are the keys.)

1. Search your soul.

Jo Robinson and Jean Coppock Staeheli, authors of Unplug the Christmas Machine, point out that, “It’s clear that being unsure of their values is the source of many people’s unhappiness at Christmas.” Articulating your values – i.e. what’s important to you at this time of year and generally – is a prerequisite to living those beliefs.

Take some time to reflect on your feelings about the holidays. Answer these questions: What is it about the holidays that you feel is important? What do you want your focus to be during December? You can also ask yourself: What do I value generally? What matters most to me? Your Christmas celebrations should reflect those year-long values too.

Robinson and Staeheli ask participants at their workshops to fantasize about their “perfect holiday.” Give yourself a few moments to do this too. Close your eyes and visualize your dream holiday. Think of what you’re doing, with whom, and where and of the sights, smells, tastes, and feelings. Have your kids visualize their “perfect holiday” too. They will undoubtedly mention gifts! Ask them what a fantasy Christmas might involve beyond the presents.

The responses that Robinson and Staeheli typically receive have similar (simple!) themes. The core of most folks’ Christmas fantasies include “simple gifts, natural decorations, a fire, traditional food, leisurely schedules, music, time spent out of doors, an emphasis on family activities.”

How do you move from fantasy to fulfillment? For most people, the journey from “Crassmess” to Christmas will involve: 1) concentrating on fulfilling rituals, and 2) de-emphasizing the gift-giving tradition (which has, for many, lost much of its meaning).

2. Focus on Meaningful Traditions and Rituals.

Make a list of your family’s Christmas traditions. Write down all of your seasonal activities and obligations even if you don’t consider them to be traditions (good or bad, they are). Which events and activities are meaningful and which aren’t? Which ones reflect your values? Could your list use some tweaking, or maybe deletions and additions?

The key to your ability to de-emphasize the season’s materialistm is to make your other holiday rituals interesting, fulfilling and fun. As mohter of two Linda McDonough explains, “[my family has] so many great Advent and Christmas rituals that they overshadow the gifts.”

The most treasured holiday rituals – those mentioned in people’s
“Christmas fantasies” – typically involve family and friends, nature, faith, charity, music/the arts or some combination of these. Here’s a look at some new and old favorites:

*Family/friends. Activities involving family and friends are perhaps the most important ones of the holidays; they can also, however, be the most tension-filled. If elaborate Christmas dinners and parties are stressful for you, consider moving toward the twin goals of “potluck” and “casual.” Many people dread the annual “tradition” of traveling to multiple family get-togethers in the 24-hour period starting Christmas Eve. Spreading the gatherings out a bit time-wise is the answer for some families.

McDonough’s extended family gathers in the week AFTER the holidays. Her parents, three siblings, and all of the grandkids come together for a pot luck and modest gift exchange. “It’s a good way to avoid the December 26th letdown,” notes McDonough.

Rituals that focus on family/friends/community take many forms. For example, McDonough and her two daughters conduct a “cookie sneak” on St. Nicholas’ Eve, the night of Dec. 5, baking gingerbread cookies and then “sneaking” them around to neighbors, leaving the treats anonymously on door steps. The kids love it, says Linda, and they learn the joy of giving in the process.

Remember, too, that Christmas traditions don’t have to be complicated, or even particularly profound. Sometimes they’re just FUN! Driving around looking at Christmas lights – perhaps with a thermos of hot chocolate – is a simple, fun holiday routine. Eating cookies and singing carols on the way to picking out the tree is another.

*Nature. Some families, like the Rhoads, observe the winter solstice (Dec. 21) with a simple candle-lighting ceremony. Others decorate an outdoor tree with edible “ornaments” like cranberries and popcorn, for their bird friends. “Nature walks” and sledding are also possibilities.

*Faith. There are many faith-based rituals to draw upon. Your church may offer advent activities like caroling (see below). Rhonda Ramos’s church holds an Advent Workshop at the beginning of December, where church members make gingerbread houses and home-made crafts to give as Christmas presents.

Even if you’re not a member, most congregations welcome “holiday members” and you can often join a local church’s activities, particularly those on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, if you’re so inclined.

Alternatives for Simple Living (see resources) offers a pamphlet called “Whose Birthday Is It, Anyway?” (updated each year) which includes a December calendar with a variety of simple activities that families can adopt as rituals.

*Charity. Charitable traditions are particularly important for many simple living families. Parents note that these mesh perfectly with the values they hope to instill in their children year-round. Rhonda Ramos, for example, says that “we want our children to know that happiness comes from a feeling of peace inside, regardless of how much stuff we have in our homes. They need to see the bigger picture of the world and know how many people still need to have their basic needs met.” Ramos and her two children participate in an “angel” buying program at a local bookstore, purchasing a gift for a child that might not otherwise receive one. The Rhoad family kids “adopt a family” (buying holiday foods and gifts for them) each year with money they’ve saved for that purpose throughout the year.

*Music/the arts. How many people still go caroling at Christmas? Or simply sing around the piano? Unfortunately, crooning cherished Christmas tunes is something we now leave to the “professionals” on our CD players. Many churches offer caroling as part of their December repertoire. (As noted above, you can often join with a neighborhood church even if you aren’t members.)

Making home-made gifts allows us to tap into our creative sides – all of us have them! – and produce low-cost, meaningful gifts simultaneously. See “Simplifying the Holiday Resources” for Web sites that can help.

3. Downscale Gift Giving.

According to a 2005 survey by the Center for a New American Dream, a nonprofit whose mission is to help Americans consume responsibly, 87 percent of Americans believe the holidays should be more about family and caring for others, rather than focused on gifts. More than three-quarters of Americans (76 percent) say that kids are too materialistic and that the holiday season just makes things worse.

Many simple-living families have downscaled their extended family gift exchanges. Each member of the McDonough family draws one name and gives a gift only to that person. Other families have a “no gifts for adults” rule or a dollar maximum on gifts.

Another way to de-emphasize gift giving is to substitute a White Elephant gift exchange. While exact rules for this tradition vary, many families follow this approach: Everyone (or just adults) brings a wrapped gift to the family Christmas gathering. Typically the gifts must be second-hand or garage sale items; the idea is to recycle items, not use more resources. The gifts are piled in the center of the room. Numbers are drawn. Number One selects and opens a gift. Number Two can either open another gift – or take Number One’s gift. Number Three can either open a gift or take from the gifts already opened. And so on. Gifts can only be “stolen” twice; the third owner keeps the gift. Creativity and humor are hallmarks of White Elephant exchanges. Most families have gifts that re-surface year after year, “treasures” like singing fish plaques or truly hideous hats.

For the “real” gifts that you continue to exchange, make them meaningful. Gifts to charities “in honor” of the giftee are ideal. Visit www.simplifytheholidays.org for information on home-made presents and gifts of time and experience, and other ideas.

4. Start planning for next Christmas.

It may be too late this year to do much about your extended family consumer-extravaganza. But the Christmas season is the perfect time to start downshifting discussions with your relatives. “When you’re in the midst of it,” reasons Linda McDonough, “is the best time to talk about it.”

The holiday simplification process can be a lengthy one. McDonough points out that her extended family took a decade to progress from everyone buying everyone expensive gifts to their current practice of each family member drawing only one name.

Despite the time and effort, Linda emphasizes, “it’s worth it.” Your ultimate reward will be “More fun, less stuff” during the holidays – and all year round.

Marie Sherlock is Metro Parent’s editor and the author of Living Simply with Children (Three Rivers Press, 2003)

What About the Kids?

In Unplug the Christmas Machine, the authors point to four things that children really want at Christmas time (and these are true for other holidays as well): a relaxed and loving time with the family, realistic expectations about gifts, an evenly paced holiday season and reliable family traditions. Focusing on the “warm, fuzzy” elements of the holidays – family get-togethers and treasured rituals – will ensure that you and your kids have lifelong, cherished holiday memories.

Tips:

Consider telling kids ahead of time about your downshifting efforts. If your children are very young, you can probably wean them without their knowledge. For older kids, try a combination of focusing on fun, meaningful rituals along with some advance warning about your downscaling.

Limit television viewing during the months of November and December. Research proves that this cures the “gimmes” during the holidays and year-round.

Take time off, if you’re able, to “hang out” with the family during December.

Simplifying the Holidays Resources

www.simplifytheholidays.org: The Center for A New American Dream’s Simplify the Holidays Web site contains a wealth of information, including numerous alternative gifting possibiltiies.

www.simpleliving.net: The Simple Living Network has myriad resources for holiday downscaling as well as year-round simplicity ideas.

www.simpleliving.org: Alternatives for Simple Living site.

www.adbusters.org: Adbusters sponsors “Buy Nothing Day” (on the day after Thanksgiving each year, when you can “participate by not participating”) and other campaigns.

Unplug the Christmas Machine: A Complete Guide to Putting Love and Joy Back into the Season by Jo Robinson and Jean Coppock Staeheli (New York: Quill/William Morrow, 1991).

Hundred Dollar Holiday: The Case for a More Joyful Christmas by Bill McKibben (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1998)

Whose Birthday is it, Anyway? pamphlet published by Alternatives for Simple Living; www.simpleliving.org.

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