By Emily Moser

How would you react if your child started hanging out with a youngster who wouldn’t be your first choice in a friend for him? What if your teen, after years of banking on a four-year university in her future, told you she wanted to attend a technical school or earn a two-year degree instead?

Your tendency might be to try to steer your child back the other way, and if so, consider it a natural reaction. But if we as parents step back and analyze such situations, these questions arise: While we all want what is best for our kids and for them to “succeed,” are we taking the essential step of really listening to them, to what’s behind their words? Are we laying the foundation to help them set goals they take ownership in – goals established around their interests and desires and grounded in our family’s shared values?

Parents can find themselves – possibly without even being conscious of it – imposing their own goals on their children, whether about extracurricular activities, friends, post-high-school choices or other matters.

Aligning our goals with our children’s can be a big challenge. A key is talking with your child from an early age about the values important to your family, because those values ultimately comprise the foundation on which their every life choice is built. As a family, discuss and write down those values, such as honesty, doing their best, and committing to helping those who struggle and/or are less fortunate. Consider posting them in a visible place, like on the refrigerator, as a reminder. A speaker once encouraged his audience of parents and other youth caregivers to work with their kids to create their own family crests, with the values inscribed.

If a family value calls for your kids to “do their best,” have you taken it a step further, agreeing on what that means in every way, including paying attention in school, setting aside adequate study time and seeking help when needed? When it’s homework time, have you agreed to specific rules such as no TV or texting? Such parameters help define shared expectations and allow your children to do their best.

If you’re like me, you’d be ecstatic if your child earned straight As, but have you framed the “do your best” conversation in a way that minimizes any added stress your child might feel about final grades? Not every child is a 4.0 student. Youngsters shine in different ways and their achievements often can be measured by other yardsticks.

As your child grows, staying connected is vital, too. We all seem to be going a million miles an hour, and as time marches on and youngsters mature, their interests and challenges change. Spending time together regularly doing something everyone in your family enjoys encourages relaxed conversations about their successes and struggles, their hopes and ambitions. It gives you the opportunity to actively listen and help your child think critically and make his own choices that align with your family’s values.

So, what if your child announces he wants to drop, say, basketball, an activity you encouraged him to get involved with and one in which he has excelled, in favor of the school band, and there isn’t time for both? Think of it as a chance to put your own expectations aside and find out his reasons.

How would you respond if your teen announces she wants to go to a two-year college rather than that four-year university, or to put off school for awhile in favor of traveling? Again, try to consider it an opportunity to help her think through her options within the framework of her larger goals.

What if your child befriends a peer you’re not sure about? It’s a great opportunity to find out more about the people your child likes and why, and how those relationships mesh with your family’s values. Maybe this particular friend is struggling and the relationship gives your child a chance to provide support while doing safe and fun things both youngsters enjoy. At the same time, you can talk through appropriate boundaries for when and how they spend time together.

As writer Robert Brault observed, “It is one thing to show your child the way, and a harder thing to then stand out of it.” Establishing family values, staying connected with our ever-changing kids – and checking our initial reactions and asking relevant questions when our kids surprise us – can help us meet the challenge of guiding them while encouraging them to be who they are.

Emily Moser is the director of parenting programs at Oregon Partnership (OP), a statewide nonprofit that exists to end substance abuse and suicide. For parenting resources, contact OP at 503-244-5211, or visit orpartnership.org and faceitparents.com.

October 31st, 2010 | Category: Education, Parenting, Past Articles, Teens